Pain + discomfort.
(especially about who we are)
There are so many parts of us that we conceal from others out of fear of being judged, misunderstood, hurt, shut down, or argued with.
Sharing parts of ourselves comes naturally, and yet so many of us shy away from it because we don’t want to feel any level of discomfort.
This may or may not resonate with you. Maybe you don’t care about sharing anything about yourself, or your story. Or maybe this message will settle in with you, into your heart where your deepest longings are kept.
Unlock if you dare…
I grew up in a very happy, healthy, family-oriented household. The only things I felt were missing from my childhood were deep conversations. I wished my parents talked to me more, and shared more about themselves, and their perspectives on life. But in the grand scheme of things I wouldn’t want this to have been any different. The lack of conversation has helped me connect with my own inner strength and voice in ways I wouldn’t know if it were any different.
I remember when I was 16, lying on my bed looking up at my ceiling, alongside my best friend. I told her, “I can’t wait to grow up and find myself”. She on the other hand didn’t want to grow up. But man, was I excited to go places, and do this thing where I discovered the deepest parts of mySelf.
I’m not sure where that longing “came from”. One day, it just appeared out of no-where. But that voice, that desire has stayed with me to this day.
It was there when I struggled to understand self-love and how to obtain love from men. I thought I had to look a certain way to be loved, so I started dieting and exercising so much that I distanced myself from my friends, boyfriend at the time, and my family. Most people who saw my body change over the course of 9 months saw only positive things happening.
This was during college, and I had gained weight in my first year, so when I started loosing weight, it seemed like a positive change.
Nothing about that change was “positive” for me, only it brought me closer to myself in the long run.
I took up running, which symbolically meant I was running from myself, but what resonates now is that I was running towards myself. I was longing to feel and know myself.
The voice showed up again.
This time it said, “there’s a better way, there is a better way, listen”.
The key words here were “way” and “listen”. I realized several years down the path of over-exercising and dieting that those “ways” wouldn’t lead me to “love”. Those pathways were helping me avoid it altogether.
My life was falling apart on the outside, my (first) marriage was short-lived and tumultuous. Finally, I listened. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t go on with someone who was operating at a much faster pace. We were like two peas in separate pods trying to fit into each other’s pods. It didn’t work, not even logistically.
So I bowed to this horrifying realization, we had to actually live in our separate pods. Meaning, I had to file for divorce.
Bam. Life dream shattered. Back to square one. But I felt so free. I knew it was right. And something shifted within my heart because I honored that voice. The one that said “listen”. I had to give up all the judgement and the shame about divorce and what people might think, and live in my own pod.
For the first time, I honored that voice, and knew that bowing to my intuition would get me closer to what I truly longed for.
Soon after I filed for divorce, I also filed for divorce with running. I stopped racing. Not that I was winning races or anything, but it was keeping me in the unhealthy behavior, and it was keeping me stuck mentally and emotionally.
I wanted nothing more than to feel. Running was what I did to numb the feelings.
So I stopped running for the most part. I jogged, and found other forms of exercise that weren’t as addictive. The intention behind exercise transitioned from self-hate to self-resolve.
I share this part of my story because I went through a lot of shit in order to uncover what was there all along.
I see now that I had to go through what I did, but I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone else. I no longer want to avoid the discomfort, the pain, the tough feelings, even the good feelings. I want to welcome all the things as they arise into my experience.
It’s harder to go upstream than it is to go downstream. It’s science. Who I really am is this vast, loving spiritual human being. To go downstream would mean I love myself and everything about my existence whether it’s difficult or easy. To go upstream would mean I’m fighting against myself, I’m in judgement, fear or suffering.
There’s no “recipe to discover who you really are”. There’s no “5 steps to over-coming self-hate”. There’s only your experience and how you tune in to your body, mind and soul.
I’m sure you’ve witnessed this voice that I speak of. It comes from the body. It’s wiser than your average thoughts. It resonates on a deeper level. And you know when you hear it.
You have all of the equipment necessary to live a life. This includes all of the people, animals, past stories and experiences that make-up who you are.
So, I invite you to listen to your heart, honor where you’ve been and what you’ve been through. And most importantly bow to this sacred space of right now. Where you’re resting as you read this. It’s the simplest part of our experience, but it’s the one we often miss.